Scooter’s 6 Pack: Cowboys

Archive: Scooter's 6 Pack

1. Upon Further Review
Well the refs didn’t win the game for the Cowboys, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. The sideline official attempted to give the Cowboys a First Down. Gibbs threw the flag and the call was reversed. It was a blatant attempt to cheat. The “call” was giving the Cowboy runner “imaginary forward progress” for two yards beyond the tackle. It wasn’t as if the play was difficult to judge – there happened to be big white line that the receiver didn’t cross. In cases such as this one, the referee should be fired and fined. I don’t care that the call was reversed anymore. The attempt to cheat, in plain view of everyone watching the game, was undeniable.

2. Royal’s New Celebration
Robert Royal’s TD celebration was vastly improved this week. Remember the “dog puking up green olives” dance from last week? It was replaced by a subtle, “Atlas” pose with one foot on top of the ball and both massive arms flexed. Mr. Royal, you are one impressive specimen! All this kid does is catch TD passes. Why not throw him a ball on Third-and-long? C’mon, he improved his dance; he catches the ball; he’s huge; he’s ignored by the other team all day long… why not? Cooley gets all the pub while Royal quietly produces. He also has the speed to beat defenders deep – oops – I forgot we don’t throw deep.

3. Skin-I-tus
It’s become classified as a mental-illness now. Being a Redskin Fan is officially a mental illness. Group sessions will be discussed at on a daily basis through the end of the season, the playoffs we should’ve been in, the Super Bowl, the Pro Bowl, the Draft and through Pre-Season. Next week is going to be a very painful week. Since you obviously don’t care what people think of you ( you are a Redskin Fan after all ), you need to follow these instructions carefully. Buy a cheap brand of aluminum foil. Next, tear off a piece as long as your arm. Then, wrap the foil around your head as a crown. Twist the foil top until it looks like a giant-Hershey’s Kiss. You’ll need this to prevent the invisible alien spaceship, that hovers twelve yards on the opposite side of the ball, from reading your thoughts. You know, those “I hope we win” or “I wish we’d throw the ——ing ball downfield” -type thoughts. Your will to win causes the invisible defense impediment to appear.

4. Rag Knots
Anti-Cowboys and Redskin Fans alike had plenty to discuss on Monday. A friend of mine asked, ” how could you lose to a bunch of rag knot faggits (FUH-JITZ) like the Cowboys?” I realized that he’d done two things with his question. One, he’d adequately summed up my feelings towards the Cowboys without using a single word I was familiar with. And two, he’d managed to insult my team worse by restating the fact that we’d lost to those rag knot faggits. The best I could come back with was, “Garly gosh a-hoopa, I don’t really know how.”
If anyone speaks Rag Knot, I’d love a translation.

5. Goats Aplenty
OK, pick one: Antonio Brown, Patrick Ramsey, Shawn Springs, Joe Gibbs, Joe Bugel, Jeff Chandler. Pick as many as you want. The simple fact of the matter is – we got beat. The true “goat” is the Redskins sickening lack of creativity and risk taking on offense. Defense did their jobs-aside from one play. Special Teams did their jobs-aside from one play. To say this Redskins offense is conservative is the understatement of 2004. Conservative? That would be the guy that walks around his car in the driveway, walks to the curb to check for kids on bikes, and then backs out slowly. Take the same guy, have him lock himself in a closet and beat himself silly with a baseball bat, for even thinking about getting in the car – you have the Redskins offense. Calling plays has become a lost art in DC. The once record-breaking offensive output has become a putrid, shameful, saw-dust fart of excuses for play-calling. Gee I thought I’d feel a lot better afterwords… oh well.

6. Final Game
The Skins face a determined Minnesota Viking team on Sunday. They have everything to gain and we have nothing to lose. Will we see the Skins open the offense up? Run trick plays? On-side kicks? Not a chance. The Vikings defense is on par with the French military in WWII. They basically call the other team name, under their breath, until the game is over. Their offense is quite potent. They do things on offense that most teams do – try to score TD’s. AHEM! Hint? This frustratingly pathetic season wraps up at home. Gibbs and the boys will be looking for performance. I hope we all get a win on Sunday. 2005 will be a MUCH better year.

— Scooter

Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Scott Moore

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