The Six-Pack

News Washington Commanders

1) The Fox announcing crews are, for the most part, stupid and indistinguishable from one another.

They engage in a mix of badly mangled English and gross overstatements that would be funny were they not so serious.

On Sunday, Sam Rosen and Tim Ryan proudly upheld that tradition and thus have given us: Your First Weekly Stupid Announcer Comment of the Week* (paraphrased):

Take it away Tim: “Ladell Betts is the kind of back that only knows how to run straight ahead.”

This must become rather annoying for the people Betts works/lives with:

At work!

“Um, the running backs meeting started 18 minutes ago, where is Ladell? And what is that knocking sound?”

“He’s outside running into the wall over and over again, you have to make a slight left coming out of the hallway to enter the room and … well, Ladell only knows how to run straight ahead.”

At home!

“Why does your house have rails and moving walkways?”

“Oh those are for Ladell, without them he runs straight ahead … last time he ran through the glass door, off the back porch and into the woods … took us three minutes to find him since he … ya know … always run straight … sigh … we’ll never take him bowling again.”

2) I recognize that sports broadcasting on this level has become formulaic: mild-mannered play-by-play guy + ex-jock who can go an entire broadcast without eating the telestrator pen = magic**

But, please, to the ex-jocks, from Redskins fans: We (for the most part) understand the importance of the offensive line, your constant pleas for them to get more credit are helpful on one level but stop acting as if you’ve shown us something new.

“I’ll tell ya one thing, Portis would have like 8000 yards if those fat jerks in front of him would just move. Why are they even on the field? Who are they? WHOAH, when did I get a FIFTH finger?!?!?!?!”

3) I’m not a detective*** but when I see a sideline shot of Clinton Portis and he is smiling I am able to come to the logical conclusion that he is expressing happiness. Tim Ryan telling me “That is Clinton’s happy face” is not clearing up any mysteries in my house.

“What’s with CP man? His face is all, like, not sad and stuff …”

“I think that’s gas … or depression … or the unbearable lightness of being … something.”

4) I had wondered how long it would take one of the A.P.E.S. (A Person in an “Expert” Suit) to knock the Redskins for beating Houston and WHAM post-game “banter” between the Fox boys when Terry Bradshaw lays this hilllllllllllllarious line: “Well, look at who they beat.”

Yes Terry, for fun, let’s “well, look at” some stats: 1,876, 51.9% and 210 … give up? Those are your incomplete passes, career completion percentage and interceptions.

You’ve parlayed being a crappy quarterback on a great team into a career as a funny**** broadcast booth guy.

5) John Madden you stay the HELL AWAY from Clinton Portis! Go away!
Shoo! Look, I just threw a turkey leg over there for ya and it’s covered in Tinactin … good boy, goooooooooood boy … what? … yes, I also see the birds on the field … why? .. No … no no no no no … NO! Put that telestrator pen down … PUT IT DOWN … STOP CIRCLING THOSE BIRDS … bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz … now stop crying, that was a love shock, the collar is for your own good.

6) Finally, your unnecessarily long and totally ineffective taunt for the upcoming game (best done in a nah-nah-nah-nah-nah sing-song):

Your team’s mascot has alternate pronunciations and it’s definition includes the words tawny and rosettes, haha.

* It’s possible even more inane things were said, sometimes my brain shuts down when ex-athletes talk
** In the same way the automatic garage door is magic to 2-year-olds
*** Yes I am … and a ninja
**** In the same way cancer is funny

-Stephen Zorio

Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio

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