Six Pack

News Washington Commanders

What follows is an answer to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans who are tired of being distracted by “sensible” analysis backed by “facts” and “knowledge.” If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are “reality” and “logic,” then this is your port of call.

1) It’s somewhat tacky,* but the ship at Raymond James Stadium would be so much more interesting if it were manned by actual pirates. They wouldn’t even have to be vicious pirates, they could be harmless elderly citizens who dress in pirate garb and occasionally “raid” the nacho stand and the restroom lines. Imagine the thrill as wave after wave of Rascals descend (slowly … verrrrrrrry slowly) upon the concessions, wondering why there is so much salt in the popcorn and asking people to turn the sound down. Truly amazing.

2) Fun “fact,” apparently Raymond James is “referred to as ‘The Crown Jewel of the NFL’ by league insiders” … seriously [] … so there you have it, unnamed sources consider a stadium with a fake pirate ship to be the crown jewel of the entire National Football League. You might think the league would take more pride in say, its teams or players (or its TV deal) but you would be wrong … very wrong.

3) A reply to the helpful** tips issued by Fox commentator Bill Maas (as to what ails the Washington Redskins), called “How to Fix What Is Wrong With Bill Mass”

a) Cover him in water
b) Put him back in the ocean
c) Do NOT harpoon him (unless he offers you long-winded, “folksy” advice that actually has no value … in which case, fire away)

The end

4) Hey, TV people, rather than remind Redskins fans how many quarterbacks we’ve endured in the past decade, how about looking at whether some other teams just might have had some instability at the QB position.

The Redskins might be at the higher end of that scale, but I am willing to bet they are the rule, not the exception. Additionally, we fully understand what this team’s approach to free agency is, and we also understand that not all of those signings pan out (Tom Cruise has done NOTHING so far), but focusing on the total value of contracts demonstrates an inexcusable lack of knowledge. Do some research.

5) The Carolina Panthers cheerleaders have, mostly, managed to stay out of the news thus far this season, which, depending on your perspective, is either good or bad.

6) Speaking of the Panthers, it is one thing to play a joke on a fan, it is another thing entirely to trick a Panthers fan into believing he won a new truck, especially when said fan’s job requires him to travel long distances to counsel troubled youth. Fox announcers found out earlier this year that they are, in fact, not very funny. He got his car but Terry Bradshaw is still trying to be funny … some people never learn

*In the same way that covering your lawn in plastic animals is somewhat tacky
**In the same way that gasoline poured onto a house fire is helpful

Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio

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