The Six Pack – Panthers

News Washington Commanders

What follows is an answer to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans who are tired of being distracted by “sensible” analysis backed by “facts” and “knowledge.” If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are “reality” and “logic,” then this is your port of call.

1) The Panthers game was a true joy to watch, especially in-person, but—and I hate to be picky—some punting would have been nice.

2)The Redskins cheerleaders really should be encouraged to find me in the crowd, make their way to my seats and reenact their previous performances so that I can scientifically assess whether or not they are as amazing as they appear from way, way above. It would be unfair of me to base my entire assessment from my seat in the second-to-last row in my section; I owe it to them to be thorough.

3) The Fox television crew was remarkably erudite this week; they engaged in witty banter and based their conversation on facts and useful analysis as opposed to purely speculative nonsense. I also suspect they were drinking.

Oh wait, that conversation took place between me and my brother, my mistake.

Without having actually heard the TV broadcast, I will make some wild assumptions about the topics covered: “The Redskins spend a lot of money in free agency” and “Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?” That should be pretty accurate.

4) Time to play: “Six Degrees of Separation: Slap Fight Edition!” Deion Sanders once “played” for the Redskins (sorry); Sanders once got into a slap fight with Andre Rison.

OK, so that wasn’t six degrees, but it did allow me to reference the worst fight in professional sports history. The NFL has been vigilant in its fight to keep this slaptastic bit of video off the Web. Damn them for that.

5) Jim Mora Sr. (retired … or fired, depends on your perspective) thinks Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is a “coach killer”, and ANY guy who manages to post a 0-6 career playoff record knows a thing or two about killing a coaching career.

Just a guess but maybe it isn’t Vick, maybe it’s the surname.

6) Finally, your unnecessarily long and totally ineffective chant for this week’s opponent, done, as always, in a sing-song fashion: Your team’s definition includes “a small, light cannon in use from the 15th to the 17th century” and “a family of air-to-air guided missiles, some of them capable of carrying nuclear warheads”! Haha … oh … wait … on second thought, that is terrifying … um, let’s all remember that this is just a game.

Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio

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