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Six Pack

By Fios | December 20th, 2006

What follows is an answer to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans who are tired of being distracted by “sensible” analysis backed by “facts” and “knowledge.” If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are “reality” and “logic,” then this is your port of call.

1) We (almost) hate to keep returning to this topic, but the Fox broadcast crews really should be forced to listen to themselves after each game along with an audience of knowledgeable fans.

Brian Baldinger makes statements that lead us to question why Kenny Albert doesn’t look at him in utter amazement. Then we read this and realized no matter how stupid he is, we would also avoid looking at him at all costs, even if it meant enduring some pain.

Frankly we are shocked that Albert can concentrate on the game with that thing waggling next to him for three hours. We bet Albert wakes up in cold sweats, screaming “Wear a glove and for the love of all that is holy, STOP TOUCHING MY TELESTRATOR PEN you mangled oaf!”

2)We apologize for the tangent … there was one particular statement that had us wondering aloud whether or not Baldinger is purposefully stupid.

With approximately 12 minutes left in the game, the Saints started a drive at their own 15-yard-line; a sack by Andre Carter forced them back to their 8-yard-line. On the next play, the Saints called what appeared to be a flea flicker, but the Redskins manhandled the Saints’ offensive linemen and forced Deuce McAllister to take a two-yard loss.

So the Saints had gone backwards on consecutive plays — thanks, in large part, to shoddy o-line play. Did we hear about the Redskins impressive push on the last two plays, the blitz schemes, why the Saints couldn’t adjust or whether someone whiffed on a block?

No, Baldinger (we refuse to use his idiotic nickname) spent two minutes praising McAllister for not tossing the ball back to Saints QB Drew Brees.

3) You ask: Isn’t one of Baldinger’s attributes supposed to be his ability to draw on his 13 years of experience as an offensive lineman? No, we say, he apparently has no attributes. Although, ladies, he is single!

4) If you don’t mind 46-year-old men who aren’t very intelligent and have gross pinkie fingers, we have got the man for you. Imagine what fun it will be to go to movies with him and listen as he loudly misses the point. “You know hun, the beach really played a pivotal role in the opening scene of ‘Saving Private Ryan,’ I mean that sand really made some good decisions.”

5) Look, all that we are saying* is that if former athletes are going to be forced upon us, the viewing public, they should be prodded to draw upon their experience and enlighten us and should shy away from using the broadcast as an open-mic night to make bad jokes.

If they stray from their circle of knowledge, they should be gently nudged back into it with an electric cattle prod.

We’d like to take this opportunity to identify and, hopefully, banish the following ex-jock-broadcaster standbys:

-Boy, the offensive/defensive linemen sure are big/fat, I bet they eat a lot
-Boy, the coach sure is mad; I wouldn’t want to be in that locker room
-Boy, kickers sure are goofy/bad athletes
-Boy, the (insert sideline reporter here) sure is goofy/bald
-Boy, when I played, events X and Y did or did not happen in the following, not-actually-humorous-way (though my broadcast partner will laugh anyway because he knows how angry I can get and thus laughs as a survival instinct)
-Any statement that begins with “Did ya ever notice how …”

6) Lastly, even the people at Fox sports seem to have recognized Baldinger’s limitations. Their web site contains a section which allows users to select an “expert” and read that person’s analysis. Selecting Baldinger as an expert results in a blank page.

Amen, fellas. Amen.

*That’s a lie, we said much more than that

Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio

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