Six Pack: Dolphins

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What follows are answers to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans that are tired of being distracted by “sensible” analyses backed by “facts” and “knowledge.” If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are “reality” and “logic,” then this is your port of call.

1) First, we here at the Six Pack would like to cash in whatever karma we have remaining from donating money to the firefighters’ MLS fund raiser (a very worthy cause, even if it was to chat with an attractive female firefighter who did not feel a mutual infatuation) and send said karma to the foot of one Mr. Jon Jansen. Get well soon big man. Alternately, to the refs who were totally oblivious to the fact that Jason Taylor was badly off-side, we wish you foul weather and one of those nine day periods wherein you can’t stop biting your tongue. Morons.

2) Continuing with a streak we started last season, the Six Pack once again proved to be eerily prophetic (and philosophically consistent) when the Redskins-Dolphins game went to overtime and we announced: “Well, that’s it; Dolphins are winning the toss, fantastic, game over. The NFL overtime rules MUST be changed because … what … we won the toss? See, sudden death is so much more just.” Yes, we can be hired for parties.

3) This can be filed under: Why We Should Be Hired as a Head Coach of an NFL Franchise Within The Next Two Weeks (a rather specific category but we assume you people have been filing these away diligently). As Shaun Suisham lined up the eventual game-winning kick on first down, we might have been yelling that the decision was “panic-driven,” “foolish” and “100% certain to back-fire.” Your winning lottery numbers for the next drawing are: 2, 8, 23, 29, 35 and 19.

4) We took note of the brilliant strategy employed by Miami Dolphins head coach Cam Cameron, as explained by Mr. Dan Dierdorf. “He doesn’t have a plan, if something works; [he] just runs it again and again until it doesn’t work.” First, Norv Turner’s head just exploded, he’ll stick to calling draws on third and longs thank you very much. Secondly, we’d be willing to wager Coach Cameron does, in fact, have a plan.

5) Fine, yes, the Redskins game wasn’t on ESPN but that once-mighty bastion of sports journalism has folded a 10-YEAR-OLD CHILD into their halftime programming. This is probably to accommodate all of the bad jokes Chris Berman pitches, which are then rejected, which he then tries to save by saying: “Yeah, but imagine if a 10-year-old was saying that! That would be OUTRAGEOUS!” You have to hand it to ESPN, the idea of children saying adult-sounding things is pretty new if you ignore ‘South Park’ and ‘Kids Say The Darndest Things’ and most of today’s Internet videos featuring kids. Other than that, very unique. Oh and ‘South Park’ is actually funny.

6) We can start the counter now for “number of times announcers will tell us about Jason Campbell’s thick accent like it’s a secret they are letting us in on” now. The count stands at one and, sadly, that won’t remain static. Count on Tony Kornheiser to lean on it heavily next week during his “funny” commentary.

Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio

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