What follows is an answer to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans tired of being distracted by “sensible” analysis, backed by “facts” and “knowledge.” If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are “reality” and “logic,” then this is your port of call.
1) The Washington Redskins seemed to ignore all of our two-thirds drunken coaching efforts/profanity-laced tirades during the second half of the Giants game. We assume this can be attributed to the fact that we were sitting in, quite literally, the last row of the stadium. We wondered whether we would require a Sherpa when we walked all the way up the ramp to discover we had to climb another 25 plus stairs. We are not in terrible physical condition, but that wasn’t fun. The outcome of the game made it even less so. Even the beer vendors appeared to be resigned to a horrible fate when we signaled our desire to part with $9 for a world-class bottle of Bud Light. We ignored the Miller Lite guy entirely; we’re drunks, not desperate. Yes, we see a difference.
2) We have asked this before, mostly at games, but we wonder why the fans in the good seats win all of the “random” in-game contests/giveaways. We are not dumb and can see the obvious answer, but we feel this is inherently unjust. The fans who made a leisurely, gravity-assisted stroll down to their seats are not the ones in dire need of free pizza. Rather, it is the brave souls who made the climb UP to their seats who deserve nourishment, gratis. Also, we feel the people at FedEx should provide roller skates or skateboards or grocery carts to expedite the trip back down the ramp. Efficient and fun and safe*.
3) Keeping with the theme, we feel that having cheerleaders on the field makes a certain amount of sense for those fans with a decent view of said field. But we find it particularly difficult to become appropriately inspired when the First Ladies of Professional Football appear to be little more than brightly colored dots, hopping about in seemingly sporadic fashion. We feel, and we are guessing we are not alone in this, that a squadron of the FLOPF should be assigned to perform inspirational dances in the aisles of the upper levels so we can be … um … inspired.
4) We had an idea as we waited and waited and waited and waited and waited to leave the game on Sunday. As we were waiting, it occurred to us that when the Redskins lose at home, the players and coaches should be forced to sit in the parking lot traffic and leave when the rest of the fans leave. We are of the belief that the prospect of idling for 45 minutes in stop-and-go (mostly stop) parking lot traffic would be uniquely inspirational to the team. In fact, fans of the opposing team should also be forced to wait until all of the Redskins fans have cleared out. We are considering a run for president based on this platform and the cheerleader idea.
5) Halftime is not long enough. We don’t wish for some drawn-out halftime show, but we would appreciate having enough time to leave our seats, relieve ourselves, purchase overpriced food and beer, and return to said seats. We also would like time to smoke a cigarette, should we be so inclined. We think this is a perfectly reasonable request since we paid for the right to be there. Another 10 minutes would make a world of difference.
6) Lastly, and this is directed not to the Redskins but to the management, players and fans of the San Diego Chargers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! When you hire a coach whose AVERAGE record is 6-10, you do not have a right to be surprised by the results. If you think you are frustrated now, just wait. You are going to flat out get out-coached on more than one occasion this season. Norv Turner got plenty of chances in Washington. Whatever he tells you, his firing was performance-related; it was not an act of spite. And, frankly, it was about two years too late. So enjoy the Turner reign, and we hope you have the wisdom to send him packing much more quickly than the Redskins did.
*One of those things is probably not accurate.
Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio