What follows is an answer to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans tired of being distracted by “sensible” analysis, backed by “facts” and “knowledge.” If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are “reality” and “logic,” then this is your port of call.
1) We spent a bit of time trying to decide what to write in this week’s piece. We have nothing unique to add about the untimely death of Sean Taylor, we’ve cried (several times), we’ve been angry, we’re emotionally drained and so much has been said already that we see no value in being yet another voice in it all. We will say that we hope fans remember what people like Mike Wilbon, Leonard Shapiro and Colin Cowherd said and wrote. May their words haunt them.
We also hope people remember what Sean’s teammates and friends and family said about him.
Those are the sentiments that matter most.
RIP Sean, you will never be forgotten.
2) Frankly, we’re not interested in reliving the Bills game, we’re not going to bridge the gap between those who want a coaching change and those who back Joe Gibbs irrespective of anything else, so we aren’t going to try. It’s not a question of timing, grieving is an individual process and to say this is or is not the time to discuss something seems, to us, to be foolish. We just don’t care (as much).
3) So, instead, we figure we’ll live up to the standard introduction to this column and write about totally nonsensical topics. Did you know Lake Tahoe, Nevada, is battling a bear invasion? Neither did we but, thanks to Inside Edition, we do now, and so do you. We’ve been telling people for years “Look, bears love high-end living, lakeside cabins, ski resorts and gambling, we’ve GOT to evacuate Lake Tahoe!”
And we were right.
Now it’s too late, they are running that town, living in the cabins, water skiing, drawing to inside straights and passing regulations pertaining to honey. If you’ve never had a bear hit runner-runner to crack your set of 9s you simply do not know what horror really means. ALL of this was predicted in our book: “Bears Love Lake Tahoe and One Day They Will Live There.” We assume sales of “Squirrels Are Talking Badly About Your Mother” will see a — justifiable — up-tick. Honestly, we wouldn’t let them say those things about our mother.
4) Did you know you can talk to other people? Of course not, you aren’t god. For centuries humankind has struggled with this problem. Or they DID struggle with it. Thanks to the inventors of the Talk To Me pin, single people everywhere can breathe easier and not just because smoking is a crime punishable by death*. People who wear these pins are saying “talk to me.” This is so very helpful as, previously, we would simply punch them. Those of you who DO want to be punched should continue to not wear the TTM pin. Thank you.
5) Are we the only people who ever wonder about the casting of ugly people in films? We are specifically referring to the type of person whose character is supposed to be ugly, whether as a plot point or a comedic device. How does that work?
Is there an ugly people casting agency or do regular people see these roles and think to themselves: “Hey, wait a minute, I’M ugly. I KNEW this was gonna pay off.” We would very much like to see the people lined up for the role of ugly because, in the same way that some people are just totally wrong for a role, we assume really attractive women with low senses of self esteem show up at these things. Then we could win them over with romantic stuff and say things like “Come on, you aren’t THAT ugly” and they would swoon. Then we could pretend to date them out of sympathy and people would call us heroes. It’s a situation where everybody wins.
6) Lastly, and this is somewhat inspired by our trip to FedEx: public restrooms. Anyone who has ever been to a concert knows how awful the toilets can be at the end of the day. Here is our question: who went last? Who took what the French might call la pointe de montagne d’excrément? Seriously, who walks in, sees the mess and thinks to themselves: “Well, I can live with that”? That person should be studied because we could literally convince him or her to do anything. And, since that seems to be the logic behind most reality TV, that person(s) would be the star of the most popular show on TV. Let’s get some scientists working on that, pronto.
*We assume, we don’t read newspapers
Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio