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There's an App for That!

By Mike Keys | December 21st, 2009

The Washington Redskins have announced that they have teamed with Brain-Soft, a McLean, VA software developer to create and market an i-Phone application intended to assist fans in attendance at the game to actually call the next play! The app is intended not only to call offensive plays, but the defense as well…

Mr Snyder’s spokesman notes that he chose to work with Brain-Soft when he realized that “they operate from the grounds of the CIA, and that they know… things… “

According to a highly placed Redskins staff member, the goal is to ultimately replace the entire coaching staff. “Mr Snyder sees the current crisis in confidence as an opportunity. We’re going to start by having the fans actually gain experience in play calling first… it’s clear from the most recent coaching experiment that our failing was in obtaining a coach who had never called a professional game… unfortunately, we’ve come to the conclusion that, had we given Coach Zorn the chance to learn how to call plays, we would be well on our way to the Superbowl right now… heck, I dare say we would have been able to place a claim on the trophy no later than November 11.”

“We’re going to give it a really snappy name… right now, Mr Snyder is really liking “Bruce”, but that’s just a project code name (our secret activity consultant, Ethan Hunt, told us that having a code name was important… we’re lucky to have him working with us). He thought about Dieon, but he said he just didn’t get the same warm fuzzies… plus, it’s really cute when he says he’s going to go play with Bruce”

“We should be announcing the official name very soon, but I can tell you, confidentially, that we will be playing off of Mr Snyder’s ownership stake with 6 Flags parks and the relationship with Warner Brothers. We’re leaning towards ‘Porky Pig’s Hog Caller’. That should make Mr Snyder very happy… there was discussion of using Foghorn Leghorn, because, well, he just projects confidence and authority. When presented with that option, Mr Snyder reminded us that the Foghorn Leghorn character is the reason he doesn’t go to the kiddie area at any of the 6 Flags parks… we were disappointed, of course, but he’s the boss. Our cartoon character consultant, Scooby Doo, convinced us that this is not a major problem, so we should be fine with Porky.

Mr Snyder tried a demonstrator last week, and found it remarkably easy to use. He said “It has pictures and everything… diagrams, X’s, O’s, the works. I called up a fly route for Santana Moss, and not only did it show the play diagram, it showed Campbell overthrowing ‘Tana, and even Devin Thomas getting an offensive pass interference call for tackling the linebacker who was assigned to cover him!  It’s as if they already had our playbook!  The ‘Dropped Interception Play’-late-in-the -third-quarter-with-the-game-on-the-line even tells you to throw the red thingy to use up one of those useless time-outs.”  Mr. Snyder was sold immediately.

According to the spokesman, “Mr Snyder really enjoyed the special “Ask Porky Pig” feature, which will call the play for you… It’s really not a problem that it only calls ’70 Chip’. First, it’s the only play in our book that the Ask Porky engine can pronounce (it took way too long to say pu-puh pu-puh pu-play-action!).   Second, Mr Snyder gets really sentimental about it.   Whenever he sees it, somebody’s getting a bonus!  We like that. ”

The staff member expands on the long range plan: “We’ve done some research, and it’s clear from our Feng Shui consultant, RiC, who is a huge fan of Mr. Snyder from up North, that we have not taken full advantage of the teachings of Sun Tzu, who is like the Chinese God of really big firecrackers, or something like that. None the less, we have spent two hours (including lunch) developing a comprehensive long term strategy around this team development concept. We figure, oh, one or two weeks for app development, and beta testing, then we’re good to go. As soon as fans start loading this sucker on their i-Phones, they can start sending in plays. We’re thinking a first come, first served kind of process… he who clicks fastest, gets the play. It should be really cool.

The Redskins expect immediate results in terms of their Red Zone Offense. According to Coach Zorn “Well, I have ultimate confidence in the fans to call the plays, I mean, after all, they have almost as much experience at this as do I, plus, they’ve been very medium throughout this entire production. It’s really going to be a big help to Sherm, as well… um… I have to check on which Sherm that would be, but one of them should be very happy…”

“We have put our special Coaching consultant, Sherman Lewis to work converting our play book to a new code system, consisting of one letter and one number. This will streamline calls after they are received from the fan-playcaller. I can tell you, however, that any resemblance of our play card to a BINGO card is purely coincidental.”

Long term, the Redskins expect to expand the functionality of the app, to cover the full roles of Head Coach, Offensive and Defensive Coordinators, and even the newly developed role of General Manager. “We’re even working on a routine to call in an audible at the line of scrimmage!” said the staffer. “Won’t THAT be fun?”

The source states that they hope to have the app out and running in time for the first game against the Dallas Cowboys. He also said that advanced sales for the app are indicating that sales are hottest in Dallas, Philadelphia, and New York. “We had no idea how many Redskins fans were in those areas.” He isn’t worried that there has been virtually no response in the DC area.

According to the source, “our major concern right now is protecting my…. errr… I mean Mr. Cerrato’s position here. Soon as we get that worked out, we’ll be golden.”

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Categories Posted In | Washington Football Team |

2 Responses to “There's an App for That!”

  1. I nearly wet myself.

    Between the Bruce and the XMB-5000 – how can the Redskins go anywhere but up?

    ROTFALMAO

    Great stuff Mike.

  2. Why did I not think of this solution first? That’s it! Cerrato’s job is secure.

    How do you guys come up with this? I wish I had such creativity. It is not to make laugh this days but you always manage to do it.

    RiC