If Vinny Were Here

Washington Commanders

I had a funny daydream about the NFL Draft that I wanted to share… I call it… “If Vinny Were Here.”

I found myself bemused by people still worried about the draft and the Redskins getting Griffin, and what on earth could possibly go wrong? So of course I thought of My Cousin Vinny.

The stage is the Redskins war room, the Colts have already selected Andrew Luck and the Redskins are on the clock. RGIII is just moments away, and ceremoniously, Vinny and Dan Snyder light obscenely large Cubans, pour a glass of Cognac, and throw their feet up on the table. They’re going to enjoy this little tiny epoch of joy, and they’re going to let the whole world watch them do it.

About 2 minutes from the end of the countdown, Vinny gets up to start making his way to the stage. He has an RGIII jersey in his hand, and a nearly finished glass of Cognac in the other hand. He is bumping fists with other NFL executives on his way to the podium, and waving like the queen to others. He has that goofy look on his face that seems to be a combination of surprised, stupid, and surprised.

And that clock is just ticking. But you know Vinny, oblivious as they come, and totally caught up in the moment… waving and bumping… and bumping and waving. But even Vinny knows what’s at stake, so with about 30 seconds left, he makes his way to the stage…

… and falls down on his way up the stairs, unceremoniously hitting his head on the stage front and knocking himself out cold

Bedlum ensues.

People rush to Vinny’s aid… Snyder comes screaming out of the war room with another jersey in hand. He’s running across the heads of NFL execs just trying ot get to the stage.

But the clock. It’s just ticking.

Snyder screams “No!” seemingly in slow motion, but slips and goes crashing into a table… fans are screaming… people are running everywhere… it’s complete pandemonium. The NFL coverage pans right, then left, to get a shot of the mayhem, and then cuts to a staggered snyder who is just making his way to his feet… he spins around to see how much time is left on the clock, but is stunned to instead see…

… the Minnesota Vikings selecting Robert Griffin III with the second overall pick in the draft.

We miss you Vinny. Your incompetence was unrivaled.

Hail to the Redskins.

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